I am what I am.


I asked that question on my LiveJournal, in regards to my nano novel, and well i didn’t want to say too much about what my personal opinion is, but I guess that in relations to this post, I’d have to. *smiles*

I can’t stand the concept of  a predestined fate. That you were MEANT to be something, i don’t like it as a social suppressant, and I sure as shit don’t like it when the talk comes to genes. I find that whole thing down right ridiculous and offending. And I honestly cannot fathom why anyone would choose to believe that you are born with a blueprint. Again think of how easy that would be for anyone, if you could locate the aggression gene, the poverty gene, the gay gene, or whatever offended you, and you could just exclude those people, for the sole reason that their genetic make up was undesired.

I like to believe i am who i am because of the choices I made, with the means presented to me. And i believe that we are all in some aspect a product of our early years. Not that it liberates you from any responsibility as an adult. Seriously if i had had a fiver for every drug addict i have heard say, my mum beat me, or my uncle fucked me, or something like that. I’d be fucking loaded. The human race has the ability unlike other animals to think abstract thoughts, and ergo not just calculate pros and cons, but to ponder upon it.

And don’t get me wrong, i am not saying that childhood abuse does not fuck with you, i am saying that there are people who are not drug addicts who endured this too. What is the difference? I can tell you that! Network. Not genes! You can find people who were well adjusted children and teens, working the street. And why? they fell in love with easy money, and some day it all just caught up with them? Not all abuse victims are pros, and not all pros are abuse victims. (I do however admit that there seem to be a large portion of abuse victims of one or the other kind, in that line of work.)

I am just trying to drive home a point. That you are what you chose to be. No one is forcing you to be or do something specific. But the important key is network. We all need someone to tell us to stop, wait, and think before we act. Someone to show us trust and love, even if we betray them time and time again. Everybody needs someone, and those who say they don’t, lie.

Just the other day i was thinking about the terrible child abuse cases you hear about once in a while, you know, usually its a nomad family, known by the cps, but every time the ground heats up, they move to another municipality or country, and all paperwork is delayed, and sometimes even lost. Buying the family time. None of them can really uphold the facade of normality. So the last couple of cases like this here in the DK has been “alike” in the aspect of this single mother who is already maybe drinking a little much, and not really doing right by her kids, but not really hurting them either. Meets this fella whom seems to take a genuine interest in both her and the kids. They move away from where they met to start a new life, one without the cps breathing down their necks. Or i chose to believe that is what the mother thinks to begin with. This fella they met turns out to be a big bloody pervert, molesting her children, selling them, or taping orgies and everything in between. Yet that woman does not leave, she does not stop him, she doesn’t defend her children. No, she moves with him again when the cps finds them, and she participates in the sex games and everything else wrong and twisted that goes on, beatings , starvation and imprisonment of her own children. And often not only that really, she also proceeds to have kids by the sicko boyfriend.

You and I and everyone else who’s relatively sane, just have to sit back and think, what the hell was she thinking? why didn’t she get up and go the first time he violated her and/or the kids. And i think i have the answer. When you move around like that, and often to small villages where it will take the state forever to find you, you never get to socialize, and hells they might not even want to socialize, because you want your private life to stay hidden, like the secret it is. Also you don’t enlist your children in daycare or school, because you know that the teachers and daycare personnel would find your children to be in a terrible state, and most likely alert the state, and the cps would get there quicker than if you just ignore that aspect, which is also to take away the children’s only means of contacting the outside world. Because when you carry a secret like that, i don’t think you want to take the chance that some child blows the whistle on you. And in time, this woman will be so socially isolated that she would have no real connection with the outside world where the rest of us belong, anymore. And like hoarders don’t see their own clutter, i am sure that she would stop seeing what she allows, or does, as wrong. It will just become how their family dynamics are. And if they have moments of clarity, the man is right there to tell them that they can’t go anywhere, because they will end up in jail, and the kids taken off them.

I find it sorta funny that when caught, all the women without any doubt will blame the man. And i do believe it to some extend, because it is fairly rare that women instigate something like what i said above. But imagine if what i think is true, imagine to wake up to that reality. Are these women born to be doormats? I don’t think so. Did something happen to them so they long for acceptance so bad they will throw their kids in the fire? Yes. Are the children bound to repeat this pattern of abuser or dependant? Absolutely not! And here is my point, if they get the right care, the right guidance, and the right start on a new life, i am sure that all those kids will grow up to be regular people, scarred deeply in their souls no doubt. But caring, contributing people, most likely hellbent to not be their parents, or repeat the pattern.

I am aware that i am assuming that none of the above people are mentally ill, because that is a different scenario then. And this is where the whole abuser/killer thing gets interesting. I am not going to bore anyone with going through what i know of different serial killers, but just say that some came from broken homes, and/or abuse, and some came from a functional middle-class family.  Take someone like Dahmer, he came from a “normal” household, and still he grew up to do what he did, even if according to his father and according to himself, he held all the right cards from the beginning. And since he was not clinically mentally disturbed, then was it his genes? I don’t think so, i think he was indeed disturbed, but i also believe he knew right from wrong, because he was taught it. What is interesting with Dahmer, like with those women i talked about earlier, is the twisted, insane, need to belong, to keep someone as theirs. It is so distorted that it becomes just the opposite of what they aimed for, and there are no one around to snap them out of it, or set them straight, before it’s way to late and the damage is done, not only to their victims, but to the aggressor too.

Just for good measure, i will add that Dahmer’s mental tests were cleared, but that doesn’t mean that he wasn’t mentally ill, that just means that he knows right from wrong. And is aware of what he did was wrong, and might even repent. That is how those prison-sentence mental tests work, they just need to know if you are able to even stand trial, or if you are blasted off to space. If you ask me, he could easily have suffered a number of other mental complications.

If you think i am sitting here and try to glorify these people, or even sympathize with their actions, i am not. I am on the other hand trying to understand what makes me, me, and you, you, and them, them. What makes someone turn from normality and take a head first deep plunge into crazy? Without restraint, boundaries or limits. Why don’t their radar go off? For instance like when you want to hit someone, but you don’t because you know it’s not the right thing to do, or you just don’t want the hassle with the coppers, for whatever reason you take your impulse and weigh it against the norms in society, before making an educated guess on the outcome, and chose your action.

Since i am slightly anal about not giving the nano story away too much, i can’t really get into why i am talking about this too much, i will say this though. I am writing about a serial killer who believes he has seen the absolute truth, and he has an apprentice who is not his biological child. And my point is that i think that this child has just the same chance of repeating the pattern drilled into his consciousness, as were he the killers biological son.

The thing about serial killers, is that they have to be “smart” to avoid capture, but as i thought about this issue, the Zodiac killer came to mind, because what does they ALL want? Notoriety, they want to be acknowledged, feared and/or admired. They see this as their imprint on the world, and what happens when someone fails to see the connection? They make the world aware of themselves, just like grafitti tags, they develop a “special” trait that will tell the investigators that there is no doubt as to who killed the victim. It’s a weird form of anti-fame. Unlike spree killers who just has a fucking mental breakdown and kills everyone in the car line, or office building. Serial killers plan their attacks to some extend, most will have a specific favourite type as a victim, it can be very specific or more general, but they all have a preference of victim for various reasons. So a MO and a specific type, so they are BOUND to know what they are doing to some extend.

-Damn i’m too tired to type anymore, i have to return to this subject. And if anyone is offended that i find it offensive that someone is actually investigating the gay gene, – Blow me.

2 responses to “I am what I am.

  1. I told you this on chat already, but a friend and I were talking about something similar at work the other day.

    We were talking about a guy he knows who is a sever alchoholic, but so is his ex-wife. She has custody of the 3 kids and just finished serving a term of house arrest for driving drunk for the upteenth time.

    My friend worries that the kids have no chance in life bacuse both parents are so fucked up (did I mention the dad is gay and trying to pretend he isn’t?), but I said they just needed a good role model in their lives, even from outside the family, to see what they could do instead and not repeat the mistakes their parents are making. The oldest (a fourth that the guy raised but is not his) is 20 and doing pretty good. Going to school etc. I think that is proof enough.

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