What are little girls made of?



Do you ever have those moments when you recall a childhood fear of yours clearly, even if you had forgotten all about it? Children live in this weird ocd like world, where they believe that if they just counter the stuff that scares them, it won’t happen. Like sleeping with a favorite teddy, dreamcatchers, hide under the blanket.. and so forth.

Just the other day I was getting ready for bed, and I was struggling with my hoodie, I don’t know why but as I tangled myself more and more in it, I suddenly recalled how this had freaked me the fuck out as a kid. I swear I have not thought of this in 25+ years! I know I touched down on it before in this blog, but as a child I was deadly afraid of realizing that the world was not what I thought it was. So for instance I was afraid of when I finally got the sweater off, the room would look different. And that fear suddenly struck me those 25+ years later, and as a child I would counter this with refusing to open my eyes untill I got my glasses back on. But I am not wearing glasses no more, I wear contacts. So what to do? Well I just pulled the sweater off, but for a split second I actually was afraid to open my eyes.

I know I had a bunch of these weird rituals as a child, and I know that I talked else where about the shit I’d see and feel as a kid and early teen. And yes, I am actually quite sane. I don’t know what I expected, but sorta like a an anti-matrix or something. So I wasn’t really scared of “alternate relalities” or “revalations” as I was for the fabric of my world would be wrong. That I’d see things for what they really were, like the world I saw through my glasses was the “normal” world, and if I dared to open my eyes without, it would be perverted somehow. It is seriously hard to explain, but what comes the closest I can think of in popular culture, is a book that I read many, many years later called Twilight eyes, the kid in this book sees monsters lurking under the illusion of men. And I guess that is what I mean somehow, that I was afraid that I could see what was under everything. And if I saw it, it would know so I could never go back to being normal me. Typing it down it sounds goddamn twisted, and one wonders why I wasn’t medicated. But you have to keep in mind that I would walk into rooms and my hairs would stand, I would hear whispers and in rare ocations see shadows where no shadows was supposed to be.

One could argue that I was a very odd and lonely child, now I won’t give you a long tearjerker of a story cause it really isn’t. I think that most of my fears was created of a sense of not belonging in my foster family, and also way, WAY too much time on my own, I spent loads of time on my own and loved it. But I wonder if it can twist your head a little when you have nothing better to do.

I had rituals for all kinds of shit, like sleeping. I was like 15 when I stopped creating an imaginary cage around me, with my mind, to hold out the wolves. Seroiusly. I used to imagine bars going up around my room, and these wolf like serpents slithering around on the outside trying to get in, clawing at the bars, but they couldn’t breach it. Sometimes if I was extra freaked out I’d go over my cage several times to make sure that there was no weaknesses they could exploit. And maybe I’d still do this if I was really freaked out and in my bed. Funny I was never afraid of anything under my bed or in my closet, cause I knew nothing could get through the bars.

Maybe I was a bit extreme as a kid, but I think most children have some sort of ritual, like ‘bad things will happen if I don’t’ – But what I found the most weird was that I had honestly forgotten all about this, and it all came back because of a tangled sweater.

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